i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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