My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
