Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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