Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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