yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
