why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
