I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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