I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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