My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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