Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Randomize
