I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
