I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
this is an emotional support booty call
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
