why didn't you poke me back
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
