this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
