Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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