when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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