Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
