So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
