OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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