Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
