My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You made out with two different species that night
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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