That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize