She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
