Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
