i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
