I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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