i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
