Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
