don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
