Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
