Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
