I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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