I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
