We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize