Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
