Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
