My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
