allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
