Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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