i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
