omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
