Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
