In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
