I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
