I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
