I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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