Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
