I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
