There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
