Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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