I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
