The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
