remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize