when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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