i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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