i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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