I'm laying in your front yard are you home
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
