I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Your dad touched me again.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I skipped work to stalk him.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
