She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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