I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
